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Becoming a Mom
By Cathy Cassani Adams, LCSW, CPC
Is it what you expected? It’s OK if it isn’t. People might try to tell you what you should feel or how lucky you are, but it is normal to feel overwhelmed. Becoming a mother is a life altering experience, yet we tend to stay quiet about the tough times. Throughout your pregnancy you knew that your life would be different, but you didn’t quite know what that meant until you experienced it. Motherhood can bring elation, guilt, tears, laughter, and a brand new outlook on life. New moms should know that the emotional highs and lows and the sleep deprivation will eventually be under control, and that somewhere down the line, the reality of motherhood will actually begin to feel warm and comfortable.
People will tell you to sleep when your baby sleeps, but for some reason you feel as if you should fold the laundry and write thank you notes. People offer to watch your baby for an hour or two, but you decide you shouldn’t leave your baby with someone else because of outside germs or the possibility that a kidnapper will decide to break in while you’re gone. These irrational fears are typical at the beginning. The important thing to remember is that if you take care of yourself, you can better care for your baby. You need rest and energy to be the person who can rationally make choices for this human being. Becoming a martyr and doing it all by yourself could potentially make you resentful and isolated. Try to ask for help and accept help when it is offered.
Taking care of yourself may also alleviate your desire to lash out at anyone who is more rested….….especially your partner. It became very clear to my husband that I needed time away from our new baby the day I exploded at him for going to Target. It went something like this: “You are going to Target? I don’t get to just go to Target anymore! I have to plan to go to Target! You are free to go to Target anytime your want and I am trapped!” Needless to say, the next day we figured out a way for me to spend some time alone. Understand that the foundation of your family is you and your partner. The foundation needs to be strong for everything else in the home to run smoothly. Bringing a new baby into your family will necessitate a lot of communication and possibly a few necessary breakdowns, but don’t forget the importance of taking care of each other. Make it a goal to share your feelings with your partner and work as a team if you don’t already.
Understand and appreciate that there will be many emotional highs, and just as many emotional lows when you become a mother. It is impossible to go through a life altering change and not feel its impact. The cards you receive in the mail will tell you how blessed you are to have “this special person in your life”, yet you don’t even know this little person and you don’t know how to feel. Eventually you will know and love this person more than life itself. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t have strong feelings now. Take it one day at a time and do the best you can to take care of this infant and learn what it means to be a mother. Everyday is a new experience and everyday this new relationship will continue to develop.
Having a baby will change how you live and how you think of yourself. Try to embrace the new person you are becoming and have confidence that this role will become more clear and comfortable as time goes on. Find a new mom’s group so you can share frustrations and listen to experiences. Talk with friends about their early mothering experiences so they can assure you that things get better. The day my first daughter was born, a nurse visited me and said something that I hear in my head everyday. She said, “Now that you are a mother, you will realize that your heart is always growing.” As I settled into motherhood I realized how this statement rings true. As a mother your heart will become bigger for your child, and it will become bigger for the world. You will feel more, worry more, love more, and see more. You will have more compassion, greater patience, and greater fear. You will now understand that everybody is someone’s child, and everybody was once as innocent as your baby. You are a mother and you have a new outlook. It is a gift.
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